Archive for July, 2009

15
Jul
09

Useless Crap I Have

Most of our life effort can be divided into two neat activities: acquiring stuff and getting rid of stuff. Sure, there are other ways to do it, but this is an approach worth considering. I know several folks who have been up and down that continuum several times (on purpose!). As I look around my little section of the world, I notice that there is a lot of stuff. It occurs to me that some of this stuff is totally useless. So here’s my top 5 list of of worthless crap I own that I really should get rid of:

  • Tortilla press. This is the old “manual” style with two handles. It’s far easier (and cheaper) to just by a sack of tortillas at the grocery store. I tried to use it as wall art, but that failed. Next garage sale, the thing is given tot he first person that looks at it.
  • Tie hanger. This little gizmo looks like a small wire clothes hanger with a small chain attached to each end. The hook part of the hanger is supposed to attach to your shirt button and the chain restrains your necktie. I have no clue where it came from. I used to wear ties all the time but I never used this piece of silliness.
  • Pedi Paws. My mother-in-law gave this gadget to us. It’s a battery operated torture device for pets. a spinning drum covered in abrasive is supposed to gently trim and shape your darling pet’s claws. She has two tiny yip dogs. We have two cats. We could have a sloth tranq’d up on 3 pounds of Xanax and it still would not put up with this whirring affliction. She probably knew that…
  • Fax machine. For the early part of my life in corporate America the fax machine was an indispensable piece of modern technology. I’ve worked out of my home for a very long time and having one seemed like a good idea until email went mainstream. So I got rid of mine. And now I am in an industry that seems to have just discovered that faxes exist. So I had to actually go out and buy one. Huge, giant step backward. I’d use a fax/modem in my PC to send and receive, but it is a major pain to scan, convert, compose, attach to send a fax. So I am wasting precious flat office space to accommodate the Luddites. Does Obama want to make a significant dent in energy/resource waste in America? He should outlaw fax machines right now.
  • Swing set. We have one of those galvanized steel pipe numbers in the backyard. It is sunk into the ground with concrete footers. It will likely survive a nuclear attack right along with cockroaches. It’s open pipe ends serve as a phenomenal homestead for every wasp and bee colony in the neighborhood. My parents bought it for us when the kids were tiny with the proclamation that this was the exact same kind that my brother and I had when we were kids. My kids are now 17 and 12. The swing set hasn’t been touched in years in a recreational way. The other day I drove past the home that I grew up in, stopped, and peeked over the fence. The swing set is still there.

What kind of useless/worthless crap is in your home?

14
Jul
09

More Cute Than Cute

11
Jul
09

Remorse

With all the shenanigans going on in the world, it’s kid of refreshing to hear of an actual occurrence of remorse. Maybe even stunning. Marc Drier screwed over a lot of folks. But it seems as though he actually understands the impact of his actions.

09
Jul
09

Arby’s: Bad Omen?

I’m thinking that Arby’s was a bad move for lunch today. My youngest spawn pointed to my curly fries and asked “what happened to that one?”… It was kinda distorted and I realized that it looked like an Ebola virus. I also realized that there was absolutely no way I could explain Ebola to blossoming teen girl whose only item of fixation was the Jonas Brothers. So I ate it.

09
Jul
09

Sahel Kazemi Slutster?

Police say McNair’s mistress, distraught about mounting financial problems and her belief that he was seeing someone else, shot him four times while he slept, then positioned herself next to her dead lover so that when she put the final bullet through her own brain she would crumple onto his lap. By the time police arrived, her body had fallen to the floor. So what would a 36 year old retired NFL quarterback with a wife of 12 years and 4 kids see in a 20 year old? Boobs. Slutty boobs. That he was willing to throw it all away for those slutty boobs is pretty amazing.

08
Jul
09

But Can She Open a Beer With It?

A Russian woman has set a new world record, lifting a 14-kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. “After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

I once witnessed an “exotic” dancer opening long neck beer bottles with her butt. Not saying I’d drink that bottle if it was opened with either set of muscles, though…

07
Jul
09

Better Than Boobies

That, my friends, is fried spam on a stick. And no, it’s not really better than boobies. For more gut wrenching gastronomy, go here.