More Cute Than Cute

Risk Management

The Cracked Guide to Tats

I will admit that there are a very few folks for whom tats are an important part of their serious psyche. This reprint is not about them. Cracked.com does a great job of breaking down tats for those that do not have them.

There are some important questions to ask before getting a tattoo:

• Have I wanted this for more than five minutes?
• Am I, at this particular instant in sidereal time, drunk off my face?
• Do the tattoo artist’s past works resemble an art class for crash-helmet testers?
• I meet the love of my life.  I romance them for months, reaching a point where we can communicate our very deepest emotions and feel that we almost share souls (awwww).  At this point, can I see myself naked and explaining this tattoo?

Just The Facts

• Tattoos theoretically could be thoughtful additions to your appearance. Unfortunately there are thousands of tattoo parlors (many open 24 hours) and people just don’t have that many thoughts. So most are stupid.
• Tattoos are permanent. Your motivation/blood-alcohol level is not.
• Tattoos are now as edgy as a padded watermelon.

Please Send Your Thoughts

Neighbor’s son and his sweetie are expecting their second child. There have been a few complications and Mom was rushed to the hospital. Since admission, Mom got rather critical and an emergency c-section was performed. Mom and new baby are still in serious/critical condition. Your warm thoughts are appreciated.

Garden Delights

This is the bloom of the Passion Flower. It is a moderately aggressive vine that is growing in my backyard in the Houston area. I never really knew of the existence of this flower until a few years ago when I was visiting the wonderful garden of one of my wife’s co-workers. Actually, it was a pool party with margarita consumption as a primary activity, but I digress. I was startled by how vibrant and intense each bloom was and that there were so darn many of them. I spent the next few weeks combing garden shops until I found a few buckets to plant in my backyard. Fast forward to now and the vines have managed to completely cover the trellis attached to about 40 linear feet of fence line. Deep, dense green foliage that is punctuated by these amazing flowers. Even the hummingbirds seem mesmerized by the splendor.

I’m also pleased to report that after nearly 18 years at this house, I’ve finally developed enough shade for hostas to not only grow, but bloom and thrive. This is a major milestone.

The Gift of a Smile

I really don’t have the ability to edit the exact text of the article…

Colby was diagnosed with vascular cancer on Dec. 23, 2005 after doctors found a tumor in her liver. At the time of her death, her stomach was about 94 inches around, swollen with fluids the cancer wouldn’t let her body properly digest. The rest of her body probably weighed about 45 pounds, family friend Carole Lynch said.

Colby had gone to Newport Elementary School and was known for making others laugh, family friend Terrell Orum said. Colby loved to dance, sing, swim and seemed to have a more mature understanding of the world than other children her age, Orum said.

On April 28, Colby went to see the Dream Works 3-D movie “Monsters Vs. Aliens” but was impressed by the previews to “Up.”

“It was from then on, she said, ‘I have to see that movie. It is so cool,’” Lynch said.

Colby was a movie fan, Lisa Curtin said, and she latched onto Pixar’s movies because she loved animals.

Two days later Colby’s health began to worsen. On June 4 her mother asked a hospice company to bring a wheelchair for Colby so she could visit a theater to see “Up.” However, the weekend went by and the wheelchair was not delivered, Lisa Curtin said.

By June 9, Colby could no longer be transported to a theater and her family feared she would die without having seen the movie.

At that point, Orum, who desperately wanted Colby to get her last wish, began to cold-call Pixar and Disney to see if someone could help.

Pixar has an automated telephone answering system, Orum said, and unless she had a name of a specific person she wanted to speak to, she could not get through. Orum guessed a name and the computer system transferred her to someone who could help, she said.

Pixar officials listened to Colby’s story and agreed to send someone to Colby’s house the next day with a DVD of “Up,” Orum recalled.

She immediately called Lisa Curtin, who told Colby.

“Do you think you can hang on?” Colby’s mother said.

“I’m ready (to die), but I’m going to wait for the movie,” the girl replied.

At about 12:30 p.m. the Pixar employee came to the Curtins’ home with the DVD.

He had a bag of stuffed animals of characters in the movie and a movie poster. He shared some quirky background details of the movie and the group settled in to watch Up.

Colby couldn’t see the screen because the pain kept her eyes closed so her mother gave her a play-by-play of the film.

At the end of the film, the mother asked if her daughter enjoyed the movie and Colby nodded yes, Lisa Curtin said.

The employee left after the movie, taking the DVD with him, Lynch said.

“He couldn’t have been nicer,” said Lynch who watched the movie with the family. “His eyes were just welled up.”

After the movie, Colby’s dad, Michael Curtin, who is divorced from Lisa Curtin, came to visit.

Colby died with her mom and dad nearby at 9:20 p.m.

Retiring Road Warrior

Some of you may have been wondering why my, ahem, post volume has been reduced. It is not because I have nothing to say. It’s because I haven’t quite had enough energy to say it. Allow me to digress… I have always enjoyed long distance driving. Even when I was flying 100,000+ miles a year for business travel, I loved to get behind the wheel and hit the open road. Seeing a land yacht (as pictured above) didn’t even cause that much grief (though I did feign calling in of air strikes). It would not be uncommon for me to log 12, 13 or 14 hours solo. In my twisted youth, I’d even gladly tackle the nearly 24 hour drive to Vegas with a friend. Age and decay have added some restrictions.

Back when I was 17 I was involved in a bit of a car wreck. Spent some time in the hospital in traction and managed to max out the culprit’s insurance in a few weeks. Fast forward nearly 30 years and that damage is still jacking with me. I’ve managed to develop neuropathy, which none of the doctors can figure out a source for. But I’ve also developed a few herniated cervical discs, osteoarthritis and facet joint pain. I didn’t even know I *had* facet joints. I had stopped taking my pain meds and discovered all the excruciating damage that I was masking. Ugh. Now I’m seeing a pain management specialist and he is treating me without opiates, which is very cool. I’m not nearly as tired all the time, my skin doesn’t itch and I am generally in a better mood. He is treating me with medial branch blocks and subsequent neurotomy. I’m being a patient patient.

The down side is that driving in the way I have all my life is officially off the table. No more wake up in Houston and go to sleep in Atlanta stints for me. I’m shuddering to think that I’ll have to drive… normally.

For Breast Results

Donna B., of commenting fame, wanted to know if men really like coconut shell boobs. This query was the result of a picture I had used in a previous post. I opined (sorry for using your blog title) that I did not believe that was so. It has been my experience that most men prefer au natural to the immovable mountain. I’ll further opine that fake boobs are done one of two ways… In the first case, they are done with the same aim as electric green hair color is done: to scream out “look at me!” The second case is when the breasts are done so well that one cannot tell they are fake. The first is cheap and crass while the second is done to compliment nature (not spite it).

So, what does the perfect breast look like?

I used the picture above in a post about the young lady who was harassed by TSA for a nipple ring. I think that many would say that this breast is quite attractive. The nipple hardware doesn’t do a whole lot for me, but is that a surgical scar under the breast? And if it is and if the boob is fake, is it less attractive?

Death By Choir

I attended the Morton Ranch Junior High school choir Pop Show & Awards event last night. My youngest daughter was performing. I normally dread these events. Unruly kids, acoustic assault, rude parents, no Scotch. The theme of the night’s music was THE 80’s. I quickly perused the list of song titles:

• 9 to 5 (Dabney Coleman in a bondage harness…)
• Walkin’ on Sunshine
• Eye of The Tiger (From Rocky XXXIV, right?)
• True Colors
• We Got The Beat
• River of Dreams (When Billy wasn’t weird)
• Carry on Wayward Son (not really 80’s)
• Mickey (they better have cheerleaders)
• Let’s Hear It For the Boys
• Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Why does Lauper get two songs?)
• And So It Goes
• We Belong (It’s Pat!)
• Material Girl (1st CD I ever owned)
• Seasons of Love

Aside from the fact that I knew the words to the songs better than the performers did and that all of the songs were sung in a register high enough to cause dogs excruciating pain, the concert was generally fun and not onerous. Just before the awards part, there was a special presentation by the choir teachers and some of the other teaching staff. Yep, they all got up in costume and did the whole Thriller scene. Assistant Choir Director, Mr. Lee, was resplendent in a latex copy of Michaels’s red and black outfit from the same video. Let’s say that Mr. Lee had done this routine before and he absolutely nailed the performance (shrieks of junior high aged-girls as proof). Okay, it wasn’t my idea of a perfect Friday evening, but it didn’t suck!

Texas Prom Time

Further proof that I am getting old: one of my daughters went to her first prom last night. I wasn’t so happy about the obligatory stand_against_the_front_door_with_your_date and pretend to smile flash photo, so I decided to do something a little bit more inspired. My daughter is a good sport. And for the recors, she did not really go to prom with a NAA Guardian .380 strapped to her ankle. That would have been illegal.